paul

the last time i saw you

you were in a box

remnants of ash and bone

with swarming people

and awkward introductions

the priest said your name wrong

i will find you in my delirium 

after this drink

laziness

and it occurred to me
that i have been a little shit
sitting on my ass
and waiting for art
to find me in the hole

dung beetle that i've become

and i still think of
the four year funeral

angel

'you look like a four year old angel

with broken halo

fresh for the recital'

when you sleep i disappear

crumple to pillow

and leak for hours

she said 'are you ok in there'

he said ' i feel like a piece of string that has been threaded and used to sew a hole'

smell this

i can smell food cooking 

and i'm comfortable in someone's arms again

a nice little article on smells and memory

new to my room

There's something to be said for aesthetics.

San Diego

"Honest communication engenders mutual respect, and that mutual respect makes askers out of beggars"  -Amanda Palmer

I'm so very happy I decided to call my friend, Aaron, and ask to come visit him in San Diego.  He footed the bill, because he knows I'm broke and I'm so relieved he was able to do that.  I'd never had Russian food and, let me tell ya, it's worth a flight next to a screaming baby.

I've been reading Amanda Palmer's new book, 'The Art of Asking' and it's made me think of asking in a very different light.

Here is my tattoo (given to me by a guy with a 2 year waiting list, Kyle Walker at Guru).  We asked for a session and he came in on his day off to do my Banksy piece (which I could also not afford).  Turns out he's obsessed with sharks too.  I have a megaladon tooth I will be giving him in exchange for his time and kindness.

This San Diego trip showed me that life can be about missing, guilt, and remorse, but it doesn't have to be.  It can be about giving and in that giving you will see gifts.

"The gift must always move."  (-AP)

San Diego

so 'Spirit Airlines' actually exists...headed to San Diego next weekend...

'Life is serious and in that seriousness is great laughter.'
-j. krishnamurti

why we can't have nice things

we break in the winter deep freeze
throw alcohol on gushing wounds
feed the beast

and they will let you alone
because they realize
the punishment you give yourself
will be much more harsh

an old rant about how technology is increasing exponentially.

‘Outdated’ is a matter of semantics…if something can be used then it is, by definition, useful. It’s why they called it ‘industrial music’…because it was industrious…the historical german reference to einsturzende neabauten (destruction is not negative…you must destroy to rebuild) is truth. 

Soon the concept of ‘retro’ or ‘vintage’ will be shoved upon us as the earth slowly (or quickly) rejects us. we will understand the concept of overconsumption when we are being consumed. But, it won’t happen in our lifetimes, so fuck it.

I stare at this fucking computer screen all day, so that I can go home and stare at a bigger computer screen. I want to be that hip girl that makes her own purses and grows her own food, but I’m lazy and KNOWING I’m lazy provides a sense of responsibility. A sense of responsibility I’ve learned to ignore. Wendell Berry was right…you’re damn right I enjoy a tomato I’ve grown myself, but instead I’m just going sit here and eat this crappy mac & cheese I grew up on and read reddit posts. Most entertainment comes from the internet and as I get older I’m learning I’m more comfortable in a textual setting online than having a drink at the bar. Eventually, we’ll merge with this basic concept of interconnectedness and learn to utilize ourselves as resources rather than sources. The subjective identity will no longer persist. But it won’t happen in our lifetimes, so fuck it.

this gentle giant holds my heart...

more banksy